I'm a big kid now!

You know when your a kid, you have these dreams of being a certain type of person with that certain job or career? Yeah I had a few that a lot of women sometimes don't want because of the risks. Like I wanted to be a firefighter, even a cop. I've also wanted to be a vet, but then found out about cutting into animals, changed my 7 year old mind quickly. I've wanted to be an EMT, a doctor, a lawyer, a C.S.U., even a fashion designer too. There was even singer, dancer, actress on that list as well.

Right now I wanna be a Nurse. But if I wasn't going for my RN, I'd be aiming to be a Homicide Detective. I think its after years and years of not being grossed out by blood, guts, and limbs being hacked off. I've even watched a live open heart surgery at the Art & Science Center in New Jersey, which fascinated me and I remember being the only one in the class not turning away.

Anyway, these days, the way I think, I'm too aware of my surroundings and tend to pick up on everything. Plus I'm stronger in handling death. I've lost 7 people since December 2006. I've lost two friends to a horrific car accident that left one burned alive in his car and another that was thrown up the tree that the car was wrapped around. Then 3 weeks after that I lost my cousin to heart failure and OD'ing on his meds. He was sold illegally and the woman was arrest because he became addicted to the prescription drugs. They cut him open and he was green and his organs broke down and were almost liquid like, which says a lot about what he took and the shape of his liver. Then I had a classmate from high school die at Virginia Tech by gun shot on the quad. She was one of the first victims that was taken down. Caitlin was only 19. Then last year, I lost my aunt to a 7 year battle against breast cancer. She died at 49 and the cancer spread to her brain, lungs, liver, and stomach. She had cyanosis (blue skin) when my other aunt found her. Then in the beginning of october I lost my grandmother, my mom's mother. She had fallen, broke 5 ribs, which one punctured a lung. She was in the hospital for two weeks prior to her death and the night before she went she said she was giving up and she did. She was 92. Then on December 26th, my other grandmother passed away. She was COP from over 20 years of smoking. She died in her sleep. She was so weak in the end, that she had to even get help putting on her jacket. She was only 76. Thats 7 people.

Anyway, my way of doing things these days or even thinking/observing is detailed or even cautious. I tend to listen even more in conversations with the non-verbal, which makes me aware of what's really going versus what they are saying. Plus I'm more on target with what I need to say, so it makes it easier to be direct and say what's on my mind without worrying if I sound unintelligent or not.

Also I look good in blue, its my key color, plus black makes me look awesome, too sexy sometimes, lol anyway, all in all, I could handle it, even if guys were to pick on me for being a woman, I expect it. Spent three years of it in ROTC back in highschool, even one of the instructors took it upon himself to keep the women in check so we don't get too self absorbed by our work. For instance Chief Dennis once told me "your one of the most dumbest smartest people I've known...", thanks to Dawn WHO told me to do it her way, I got made to look like a dumbass. I'm still mad at her about those mistakes, but happy when Chief caught her! Oh yeah!

So I'm used to so much that a cop deals with. I still have yet to fire a real gun off with live round, not blanks, meh, I'll smack my forehead if they make me do that are a practice round, cause the nervous energy will make me focus very hard to not miss the target, so no blanks! lol so yeah, guess you can say I wanna get rid of some left over angry?