Jimmy and Eminem Play Basketball

Its all the same...

So this is the first time in a long time I've been this single. I haven't had a real relationship since November 2007. My on/off relationship with two different ex's last year doesn't count, cause those barely got past a month or two of working.

Anyway, it feels kind of weird I guess. I know there are people who haven't been with someone even longer then me, but still it just feels weird. But in a good way I don't need someone right now. I'm happy being alone. I don't like drama and complications relationships bring, drives me nuts and up a wall, which makes me want to walk out of room everytime because it gets too intense.

My one ex, who we'll call Eagle23, use to tongue tie me up and frustrate me to the point of not thinking straight, so half the time I felt like I was always making myself look stupid. It typical when it happened and I always felt he purposely did it so he could prove himself to be right against me. He always did love getting under my skin and possessing myself in everything I did which drove me to fight with him. He could never stand it that I had a lot of guy friends and try to make me think they were all out to get in my pants and a few were but some just were friends, kind of like a brother to me so it was weird. But when he didn't understand why I freaked out over girls that were literally flirting and trying to make a pass he let it get to me and tell me it was nothing. Pot calling the kettle black is what that bullshyt was!

So yeah he was a pain in my ass 24/7. He hated my friend Awesome like whoa! Use to complain when he called or text me. He couldn't stand that I was so close to this other guy, that knew me very well ad used to accuse that he only stuck around to get in my pants. Anyway, he always accused me of cheating, truth is long before things got serious with him, he basically cheated on me, I never really told anyone that cause I knew people would use it as an excuse to make me break up with him and for the longest time I didn't want to admit it cause then that mean my real reason why everything failed long before it started. Sometimes I think I should just let that be the reason, but its not. Anyway, I'm not going into details how it happened, but I will say I let it slide under the rug quickly so I wouldn't have to really think about. So it took him to realize what he was really feeling for me and what not when I ended up cheating on him. Eagle23 always said he was joking that I would get some on the se, but it happened. Its almost like he was pushing for an excuse to get away from me, I swear when I look back on those 6-7 months, I feel like it was kind of a waste of my time. Could of tried to spend it with someone who gave a damn. Oh well screw him, he was an ass to me...

Haha, anyway my other ex, who we'll call Pitbull81, was the one relationship that got serious very quickly. He was 6 years older then me, but it didn't matter when it happened. I knew for the first time in my entire life, I was learning to trust with my whole heart and unconditional love was something I taught myself to do. I fell hard and it felt good. I can still remember what it felt like to love that much. Makes your body hum and feel aware of everything, thats as best as I can describe it. I knew I could of loved him forever and vice versa. But it was doomed from the start, more so as though we were star-crossed lovers destine to love greatly but only to experience a loss in the end. He told me when he first saw me that he knew he wanted me right then and there. He knew he could spend his life with me and that he fell in love. He was a confirmed bachelor, yet I changed it all. He was as handsome in his 6'3" frame, with his dark chestnut hair, sensual smile, and piercing brown eyes. He had the body of a greek god, but the heart of a poet. I think that was the first time in my entire life I was actually swept off my feet romantically. He was the only guy that actually put his heart on the line and gave his all. He was also the first guy I decided to wait till I was not only deeply in love with, but knew he was staying in my life. I waited to have sex with him. But it never happened. He left, broke my heart.

I didn't hear from him for 6 months. He then tells me why, which was that he freaked out about how serious it was getting and that he wasn't ready. He told me that he thought of me everyday, that he dreamt of me every night and that he was a better man because of me. It tugged at my heart strings and made me cry. I don't cry. So its a huge deal if i shed tears.

I gave him one last shot. It lasted for a month, because in our last fight he told me to go to hell and I cut off my emotions right then and there. It took me 8-9 months to finally deal with it when Awesome told me exactly how his ex took advantage of him and the relationship, because he describe the exact emotions and feelings that ran through me that I hidden for so long.

So these days I'm still placing parts of the issues into where they belong so I can let go and fully move on. See the big part I left out was my ex, Pitbull81, we were engaged for short while. So it was painful for me.

So these days, I'm okay not having someone, cause I rather take my time working on my issues then throwing myself into something with someone and getting more screwed up. But I've got time, cause something in my heart tells me, as crazy as this sounds, I know there is someone for me, kind of like the feeling I get when something is suppose to happen, its right up there, I just know and I think I know who its suppose to be. And if I'm right, then i've got time...

Anyway in the meantime, I'll be having fun, living it up, and getting my life put back together like it should of been two years ago, but I'm back! Its great to finally be back...

Their 8th Studio Album!

So last night I also got my hands on Green Days new album "21st Century Breakdown" and its amazing! Its better then American Idiot. I love it from beginning to end! So below I've added the entire set list from the new album. Enjoy!

Track Listing:
1. Song of the Century
2. 21st Century Breakdown
3. Know Your Enemy
4. ¡Viva La Gloria!
5. Before The Lobotomy
6. Christians Inferno
7. Last Night On Earth
8. East Jesus Nowhere
9. Peacemaker
10. Last Of The American Girls
11. Murder City
12. ¿Viva La Gloria? (Little Girl)
13. Restless Heart Syndrome
14. Horseshoes And Handgrenades
15. The Static Age
16. 21 Guns
17. American Eulogy (Mass Hysteria/Modern World)
18. See The Light

What Room of the House Are You? The Bedroom of Course!

You Are the Bedroom

You are an indulgent person. You enjoy rest, relaxation, and pampering. You know how to find peace in a crazy life. You are good at unplugging. You tend to be very private. You don't let just anyone in. You are also a romantic. When you have someone, you tend to be very couple oriented.

What Room of the House Are You?

Trying something new...

I have this cool new app called "Blogo" that I'm using on my macbook and so far it seems to run, question is will you all be able to read what is written?

If so then awesome!

Anyway, I have fallen in love with this new song that has not only amazing vocals, but amazing lyrics and the music is beyond great!

Its by this band called SafetySuit and the song "Stay". I advise people to go atleast search for it on youtube or even google it and take 30 seconds to hear it, then decide it you like it or not.

Anyway, I have a Deviant Art page and putting that out there for anyone that wants to take a look at my work.

My Deviant Art Page <---- click the link!

At some point I'll add my Twitter feed and my Podcast feed up on the side of my blog, just give me a day or two on working out the kinks on that. It'll give you all a chance to see what's going on with me in real time...

Did I tell you I have powers like whoa!

Ohhhhh snap! Guess what peeps, guess what???

I HAVE AN ADVANCE COPY OF EMINEM'S NEW ALBUM!!!

Will I tell you how I have access to it? Nope. Cause People need to support artist and their work. I'm still going to buy the album, but I'm staying hush-hush on this. But damn it feels good to get my hands on it!

Ahhh, I'm good!

But this is the what is on the album:

Track Listing:

1. Dr. West (Skit)

2. 3am

3. My Mom

4. Insane

5. Bagpipes From Baghdad

6. Hello

7. Tonya (Skit)

8. Same Song & Dance

9. We Made You

10. Medicine Ball

11. Paul (Skit)

12. Stay Wide Awake

13. Old Time’s Sake [Ft. Dr. Dre]

14. Must Be The Ganja

15. Mr. Mathers

16. Deja Vu

17. Beautiful

18. Crack A Bottle [Ft. Dr. Dre & 50 Cent]

19. Steve Berman (Skit)

20. Underground/Ken Kaniff

Ahhhhh here we go again!

So I was listening to Eminem's new song(s) that have been leaking all over the net for the last 4-5 weeks and I'm very impressed with his new material. I mean the guy is coming back full force. I was just listening to "Old Time's Sake [Ft. Dr. Dre]" and its got a lot of good free style that makes me think about where he could have grabbed such a line from.

Eminem: "Speak of the devil its tha attack of tha rain man chainsaw in hand blood stain on my apron soon as they blades run, run they run away from who play dun-geon no one is safe from and serf give a brain surgeon the grat one and dave it ain’t funny man its urgent i need one two boxes of detergent and a paint gun and an emergency spuirt gun to spray erry one."

I'm excited to see what else is going to show up of his, cause its pretty good actually... only time will tell if he can actually pull it off and get good sales when his CD drops...

I'm a big kid now!

You know when your a kid, you have these dreams of being a certain type of person with that certain job or career? Yeah I had a few that a lot of women sometimes don't want because of the risks. Like I wanted to be a firefighter, even a cop. I've also wanted to be a vet, but then found out about cutting into animals, changed my 7 year old mind quickly. I've wanted to be an EMT, a doctor, a lawyer, a C.S.U., even a fashion designer too. There was even singer, dancer, actress on that list as well.

Right now I wanna be a Nurse. But if I wasn't going for my RN, I'd be aiming to be a Homicide Detective. I think its after years and years of not being grossed out by blood, guts, and limbs being hacked off. I've even watched a live open heart surgery at the Art & Science Center in New Jersey, which fascinated me and I remember being the only one in the class not turning away.

Anyway, these days, the way I think, I'm too aware of my surroundings and tend to pick up on everything. Plus I'm stronger in handling death. I've lost 7 people since December 2006. I've lost two friends to a horrific car accident that left one burned alive in his car and another that was thrown up the tree that the car was wrapped around. Then 3 weeks after that I lost my cousin to heart failure and OD'ing on his meds. He was sold illegally and the woman was arrest because he became addicted to the prescription drugs. They cut him open and he was green and his organs broke down and were almost liquid like, which says a lot about what he took and the shape of his liver. Then I had a classmate from high school die at Virginia Tech by gun shot on the quad. She was one of the first victims that was taken down. Caitlin was only 19. Then last year, I lost my aunt to a 7 year battle against breast cancer. She died at 49 and the cancer spread to her brain, lungs, liver, and stomach. She had cyanosis (blue skin) when my other aunt found her. Then in the beginning of october I lost my grandmother, my mom's mother. She had fallen, broke 5 ribs, which one punctured a lung. She was in the hospital for two weeks prior to her death and the night before she went she said she was giving up and she did. She was 92. Then on December 26th, my other grandmother passed away. She was COP from over 20 years of smoking. She died in her sleep. She was so weak in the end, that she had to even get help putting on her jacket. She was only 76. Thats 7 people.

Anyway, my way of doing things these days or even thinking/observing is detailed or even cautious. I tend to listen even more in conversations with the non-verbal, which makes me aware of what's really going versus what they are saying. Plus I'm more on target with what I need to say, so it makes it easier to be direct and say what's on my mind without worrying if I sound unintelligent or not.

Also I look good in blue, its my key color, plus black makes me look awesome, too sexy sometimes, lol anyway, all in all, I could handle it, even if guys were to pick on me for being a woman, I expect it. Spent three years of it in ROTC back in highschool, even one of the instructors took it upon himself to keep the women in check so we don't get too self absorbed by our work. For instance Chief Dennis once told me "your one of the most dumbest smartest people I've known...", thanks to Dawn WHO told me to do it her way, I got made to look like a dumbass. I'm still mad at her about those mistakes, but happy when Chief caught her! Oh yeah!

So I'm used to so much that a cop deals with. I still have yet to fire a real gun off with live round, not blanks, meh, I'll smack my forehead if they make me do that are a practice round, cause the nervous energy will make me focus very hard to not miss the target, so no blanks! lol so yeah, guess you can say I wanna get rid of some left over angry?

The sand box is way too big for all those kids to play in...

I think many people are still affected by the war. Its the one thing that is now pushed aside, more so now with the Swine Flu, which I will get to later in another blog post at a later date. I have friends that were affected deeply, some of which actually served over seas. One in particular, whom we shall call Mr. Awesome (cause he uses that word too often so it works). Awesome served for a total of 8 1/2 months, not long but still it was long enough period back in 2006. He suffered trauma more then I believe most people should and still am surprised that he lived through it.

(Location: Zormat, Afghanistan which is right on the Pakistan boarder where he was stationed)

I bet your wondering what the hell he lived through that makes him so worthy of being mentioned? Well for starters he was a Senior Line Medic to an entire company, which usually holds 40+ men that he has to keep alive ever second of everyday he served over seas.

(Helping send off a patient into a medic chopper, he is wearing a grey army short-sleeve shirt)

He ended up seeing the unimaginable and told me quit a lot and some that in due time will be spoken about to me. I was told one of event where he was on his medic truck with a few of his brothers when it was blow up and the ones that were inside, were thrown from it, which he was one of the thrown individuals. Now see it was so strong the blast that when eh hit the ground, not only did he break a lot of his bones in his body, but his entire brain turned into a liquefied while he was unconscious. His brain then turned back into solid form, but leaving him unable to walk a straight line and the part of the brain the retains the short term memory only works about 68-72% of the time the doctors told him. The blast also caused him to be partially deaf in his right ear.

He was also shot at multiple times. There were two different events that he was actually hit. One in particular almost killed him. He was shot by a high powered rifle from a building across the street that was higher up from the roof he was on. The bullet wound was about less then 5-6 inches from his main artery on the neck, if hit he would have bleed to death and the irony is that he is the medic.

But then he saw unthinkable cruelty happen to women and children in two different villages. One where he helped a little girl and got her a pair of shoes and some clean clothes. She was only 7 years old. The men in her village that were working against he U.S. military saw what he did. So that night they took her, raped her, then murdered her by hacking her entire body up into huge chunks and then placing 'em close enough to found by one of the bases out in the area. Him and a few of his brothers went out to do their job and found the girl. All he did was be nice to her and help her out and she gets murdered. Then there was another time where he ended up seeing a baby almost burned alive and still breathing that he had to treat and take care of. He witness coming across bodies covered with black tarp, all women and children mutilated in ways that would make freddy krueger look like an amature.

There was more, but I'm going to stop there before I run amuck and cause some bad images in your heads. Anyway, it got to him asap and cause him to snap and loose it. He tired to take his life and was caught by one of his brothers and sent to his commanding officer, who then ordered him to go home asap. He ended up staying for 2 weeks during July. Then got shipped back over seas. He was able to atleast be home about two weeks before xmas, but had to go down to base in North Carolina to tie up loose ends.

Okay so flash forward to around December 2008. He ends up getting diagnosed with PTSD and they told him if he doesn't get help in the next 30 days he would be sent down state to a VA hospital where he would be locked up and kept on watch for 24/7 for three months of his life. After that had happened he was given meds to take, which resulted in me finding out the night of us hanging out. He went through a huge emotional and mental break down where I found out about all the situations he went through that is written above.

Ever since then he has been working on fighting the demons that haunt him and more. He goes to school on 16 credits, works full time for his father, and then still finds time to do projects which result in schools from UNC and Cornell coming in to see about Habits and what not. He is majoring in Biology and if all things prevail, with the government paying for his education and having him get a foot in the door for school, he can actually get into medical school. He is also on the Dean's List, so he is doing pretty damn well, where as in highschool you couldn't get Awesome to even care about class. I mean one time, a teacher who is cool, we shall call Mr. Sarcastic, saw Awesome walking down the hall during class time and he was suppose to be in the teachers class. They had a conversation:

Sarcastic : "Awesome what are you doing?",

Awesome: "Walking..."

Sarcastic: "Your suppose to be in class."

Awesome: "I know."

Sarcastic: "Your suppose to be in my class."

Awesome: "I know Sarcastic."

Sarcastic: "Where are you even going!?"

Awesome: "To my car."

Sarcastic: "Now!?!? . . . Oh alright, but if anyone asks, I didn't see you..."

Awesome: "See what?"

Sarcastic: "Exactly...."

But now its a complete 180 of him and he enjoys class, especially psych, which has taught him to not only analyze someone more, but to the 10th degree of annoyance sometimes! I mean he will now call you out and say "Stop lying... I know what's wrong by the way you cross your arms and stare down...", its things like that which drive me and my friend, whom we shall name Nova, are usually not okay with it on certain days.

Anyway, all in all he is pretty stable so that makes me happy. He has been touch and go as of recently. Which brings me to this: friends and enemies.

He doesn't know who to trust because half of his friends he thought he could trust are all not only talking about him behind his back, but trying to mess with his head. I got roped into this crazy thing by the enemy team. He thought I was against him, he forgets that I'd take a bullet for him, but he was so confused and I don't blame him. See the moment the evil team wanted to mess with him, I had to take a double agent cover and jump into the lion's den and protect him. I had to gather information and make these evil team people hear what they wanted to. I manipulated so much and they don't realize that I know Awesome like the back of my hand. See the thing is that he thought I was after him and I wasn't. The thing was I was looking out for him and told him everything that was going down that I could, cause I need to print out evidence so he knows. Anyway, the thing is he just recently about 4 weeks ago ended up getting a new girlfriend, which a lot of people are not happy about and a few girls are jealous. Anyway, I use to be friends with this girl even graduated with her too. The thing is she betrayed me when we were younger, like elementary young. And then over the years she gave attitude left and right to people I knew and the list just goes on about why I don't like her at all. So yeah long story short, I told him that I knew her from back in the day and told him about the giant and vermont were not telling the truth and that he isn't a player. Giant hated Awesome saying that he was analyzing him and that Vermont was jealous, well cause she dated him back in freshman year of highschool, they stayed friends, but it was too intense on her part and he broke it off. Anyway she has never been okay with this and well now they are not talking as much.

Anyway, he is going to summer school full time this summer and funny thing is me and Nova are going there as well. This should be interesting, cause we all haven't gone to the same school at once since me and Nova were juniors in high school and Awesome was a senior. So I'm looking forward to it...

silent but deadly *shhh*

caution warnings coming in like stars of the night

misconceptions of the left and right

true hidden eyes play the trick in your sight

secrets are easily believed

many are fooling themselves for some time

gotta let you know its just a mystery

keep reading the clues

listen to the whispers of the twilight

answers all around you and out of sight

dangle me on the strings

play me in the show you think you should believe

watch my cue, notice the hands

look for the signal in the skyline

listen to the contradictions but know the reading of in between

standing by the sidelines

knowing where to hide the finished maze ending in cheats and misery

hold your breath and watch it all turn black again

hiding out in snow covered truths in switzerland

keeping the lines blurred with backs turn in my sight

time is on our side

ticking away to the finale moments

watch me pull out my weapon

going to be the test of sacrifice at its best price

come on down to the circus of nightmares folks

watch the horror show your in for a treat

notice the back stabbing and beheading tonight

blood red lies seep into the cracks

poor little bobby didn't see it coming

watches as he cries in disbelief

surprised to know knives are paralyzing inside

but the ring leader nodes and the clowns laugh away

funny how the lion got out of the cage

and the ringer leader and boy got away

so now the hat on my head and the whip in my hand

smile the courage to take the bullet

putting up a triangle of safety

take me down but not all of us at once

protecting what I originally know by heart

so clever I even fool myself sometimes...

10 reasons to date a nursing student

10. White scrubs are see- through

9. We are clean

8. We don't gag

7. We know your body inside and out

6. We know mouth to mouth

5. Two words....sponge bath

4. We know how to penetrate things

3. We have restraints, and we're not afraid to use them

2. We always have a rubber on hand

1. We can go all night long! :)

So We Meet Again 007...

That's what she said!

So atleast in 25 days, I'm going to be in a wedding. Being a bride maid isn't all that grand, cause she pretty much kicked out 3 of her friends already, just because they couldn't afford the dress. Yup ladies and gentlemen, we have a bridezilla on our hands. Run while you still can! haha anyway, I've known her since the 8th grade, but this wedding has turned into this high strung-out bitch that demands everything from her bride maids. Its already cost me and arm and a leg to just pay for the dress, the shoes, and the alterations. I feel very broke, like I can't even afford the air I breathe broke. I'll be pissed if she throws me out of the wedding party, Oh I'm going to chew her out! I might even throw some shoes at her! lol, okay maybe not go that far, but its thr thought that counts, right?

Then in October, I'm going to be a maid of honor for one of my best friends. I'm excited and nervous as hell! I hate giving speeches, let alone huge public speaking! Well I know to try and get through it I will have to crack atleast 3 jokes so I can survive from giving the toast from hell.

And I also have one of my oldest friends engaged and now debating on staying with the guy cause really he is an ass. They have been together for 4 years and now its just the final straw.

Oh and now my oldest cousin on my dad's side of the family is engaged to the girl he has been dating for the last 5 years! Its going to cost his soul to pay for it and 300 guests are coming, but its upstate and he showed me pictures and its beautiful. He is trying to cut it down to 90 people, but i doubt it won't get down past 150. I mean my immediate family on my dad's side is normally 40-45 people for a small family function.

And now for something completely different...

So my newest obsession: History Repeats.

This awesome band I saw live at The Loft in Poughkeepsie two weeks ago. This girl has got some amazing vocals and I'm surprised they haven't been found and asked to join the warped tour yet. But its all good I actually have a friend whose dad is best friend's with Kevin Lyman, the founder of Warped Tour. Will I say who? no, cause then who ever reads this will try and bug the dude and I really don't have time for damage control. Anyway, I'm going back there this week to see 'em again with Holiday Parade (great band!) and then in three weeks for the Battle of the Bands, which will be very interesting.

Ahhhh so speaking of bands/music, I love how I keep finding ahead of schedule all kinds of new music left and right. Its good cause when it airs on the radio, I usually know who it is and never have to wonder who to find the song title or artist if I missed it. Plus it gives me the advantage of introducing new music to my friends and keep 'em on the cutting edge of what's going to be hot! For instance, I already have two of Green Day's new songs from their 8th studio album that comes out later this year. One of the songs is called "Know Your Enemy" and the other is called "Lights Out", so keep your eyes peeled for those titles by Green Day. I just love how I knew who Lady GaGa and The White Tie Affair was before they blew up, cause it 1) doesn't make me look like a desperate tiny bopper and 2) I laugh when these kids are excited over it, mostly due to the fact I've known over 3-4 months before it even was leaked to radio.

I do have a favorite that I think is sad that no one has aired on the radio, "Insomnia" by Craig David off his greatest hits album. I got a hold of a copy of the song about 2 months before his album dropped and its great! Its been so long since I've heard something actually dance like with good lyrics (http://www.imeem.com/othlptla4eva/music/LvB63TOI/craig-david-insomnia/).

Rolling out the welcome mat...

So where do I begin. My life has been kind of interesting these last four years. I've learned that you do not make 90 degree angle turns when driving. Remember to always have a snappy comeback on hand. And most importantly: do not fear the condoms, fear the one that you have to bone with that condom.

I can say I'm wiser now and have gain the experience most people wish they had at my age. Which by the way f.y.i. I'm 22, yup nothing special, not like 21, which by the way I was such a tool for that birthday. I only had a drink, let alone AFTER the birthday celebration was over. Yes if there is a tool club, let me in, cause I'm a huge tool sometimes these days.

Anyway... spring is here (music chimes in!), which means I can finally walk outside and drive with no fear. Yeah I had no snow tires all winter long, let me tell you, I've experience the driving off the road into snow banks, so kiddies don't try this at home next winter, you've been warned.

And speaking of driving... okay so you know what pisses me off about people and driving? Those idiots that slow down to a complete stop just to make a turn and I'm not talking on main highways and what not. I'm talking freakin' back roads! *Grrrr* I'd like to kick some ass for that! Oh and I HATE when people don't use their turn signals! WTF!? Do you non-signal users like car crashes or something!? do you have some sick twisted thought in your head that day and go *you know what today I'm going to be a bastard and screw with the minds of smart drivers, woo hoo! Lets go out and drive!!!*

So, yeah drivers that suck can kiss my white Irish ass!

Anyway... I can say for once in my life, I'm happy to be single. I actually realize I don't need someone to validate my happiness anymore. I mean its nice having someone to kiss, hug, or even have sex with on those lonely nights, but other then that, I really don't enjoy drama of any kind and from my last few relationships, I kind of like thinking and having a normal time with out my head actually getting frustrated form the pain of stupidity that guys give me sometimes. I swear can someone talk to Obama and come up with a plan to ship all the idiots to Greenland so all the smart people can repopulate the earth with intelligence? Just think, the war might stop, no swine flu, and yes sex will be promoted for the right reasons.

Ah, yes sex. I can say that I enjoy sex. I love it actually. I'm a woman and screw you if you think I shouldn't, go fuck yourself! haha, anyway... I think anyone that doesn't get in touch with their sexuality is really missing out on a lot of good that sex has. I've learned what really turns me on and what never gets the motors running. I've had some incredible sex in the span of these last two years and the years before were kind of like lessons and/or warm ups to the big leagues of for enjoying sex. I'll say this, I do have a kinky side, but I will not wear leather, side note i feel like i should have a long island accent when I say "leather". Anyway... I mean a little biting, scratching, pulling of the hair, some roughness is pretty much a preview of my kink factor that as expanded these last two years.

I'm not a "wham bam thank you ma'am" kind of girl, but I can do no strings attached. Actually I've actually felt like the guy in two situations and the guys were all girl like on me. One didn't get it when it was just sex and nothing more, seriously, if I wanted something more, I wouldn't be sleeping with ya that quickly, lmao I sound like such a guy. The other is a different story that I'm not getting into.

Anyway... I think this is a pretty good amount of info for a first blog posting. I'll come back, but it maybe darker the next posting, mostly stating why I'm the way I am now and its not pretty...