So this is the first time in a long time I've been this single. I haven't had a real relationship since November 2007. My on/off relationship with two different ex's last year doesn't count, cause those barely got past a month or two of working.
Anyway, it feels kind of weird I guess. I know there are people who haven't been with someone even longer then me, but still it just feels weird. But in a good way I don't need someone right now. I'm happy being alone. I don't like drama and complications relationships bring, drives me nuts and up a wall, which makes me want to walk out of room everytime because it gets too intense.
My one ex, who we'll call Eagle23, use to tongue tie me up and frustrate me to the point of not thinking straight, so half the time I felt like I was always making myself look stupid. It typical when it happened and I always felt he purposely did it so he could prove himself to be right against me. He always did love getting under my skin and possessing myself in everything I did which drove me to fight with him. He could never stand it that I had a lot of guy friends and try to make me think they were all out to get in my pants and a few were but some just were friends, kind of like a brother to me so it was weird. But when he didn't understand why I freaked out over girls that were literally flirting and trying to make a pass he let it get to me and tell me it was nothing. Pot calling the kettle black is what that bullshyt was!
So yeah he was a pain in my ass 24/7. He hated my friend Awesome like whoa! Use to complain when he called or text me. He couldn't stand that I was so close to this other guy, that knew me very well ad used to accuse that he only stuck around to get in my pants. Anyway, he always accused me of cheating, truth is long before things got serious with him, he basically cheated on me, I never really told anyone that cause I knew people would use it as an excuse to make me break up with him and for the longest time I didn't want to admit it cause then that mean my real reason why everything failed long before it started. Sometimes I think I should just let that be the reason, but its not. Anyway, I'm not going into details how it happened, but I will say I let it slide under the rug quickly so I wouldn't have to really think about. So it took him to realize what he was really feeling for me and what not when I ended up cheating on him. Eagle23 always said he was joking that I would get some on the se, but it happened. Its almost like he was pushing for an excuse to get away from me, I swear when I look back on those 6-7 months, I feel like it was kind of a waste of my time. Could of tried to spend it with someone who gave a damn. Oh well screw him, he was an ass to me...
Haha, anyway my other ex, who we'll call Pitbull81, was the one relationship that got serious very quickly. He was 6 years older then me, but it didn't matter when it happened. I knew for the first time in my entire life, I was learning to trust with my whole heart and unconditional love was something I taught myself to do. I fell hard and it felt good. I can still remember what it felt like to love that much. Makes your body hum and feel aware of everything, thats as best as I can describe it. I knew I could of loved him forever and vice versa. But it was doomed from the start, more so as though we were star-crossed lovers destine to love greatly but only to experience a loss in the end. He told me when he first saw me that he knew he wanted me right then and there. He knew he could spend his life with me and that he fell in love. He was a confirmed bachelor, yet I changed it all. He was as handsome in his 6'3" frame, with his dark chestnut hair, sensual smile, and piercing brown eyes. He had the body of a greek god, but the heart of a poet. I think that was the first time in my entire life I was actually swept off my feet romantically. He was the only guy that actually put his heart on the line and gave his all. He was also the first guy I decided to wait till I was not only deeply in love with, but knew he was staying in my life. I waited to have sex with him. But it never happened. He left, broke my heart.
I didn't hear from him for 6 months. He then tells me why, which was that he freaked out about how serious it was getting and that he wasn't ready. He told me that he thought of me everyday, that he dreamt of me every night and that he was a better man because of me. It tugged at my heart strings and made me cry. I don't cry. So its a huge deal if i shed tears.
I gave him one last shot. It lasted for a month, because in our last fight he told me to go to hell and I cut off my emotions right then and there. It took me 8-9 months to finally deal with it when Awesome told me exactly how his ex took advantage of him and the relationship, because he describe the exact emotions and feelings that ran through me that I hidden for so long.
So these days I'm still placing parts of the issues into where they belong so I can let go and fully move on. See the big part I left out was my ex, Pitbull81, we were engaged for short while. So it was painful for me.
So these days, I'm okay not having someone, cause I rather take my time working on my issues then throwing myself into something with someone and getting more screwed up. But I've got time, cause something in my heart tells me, as crazy as this sounds, I know there is someone for me, kind of like the feeling I get when something is suppose to happen, its right up there, I just know and I think I know who its suppose to be. And if I'm right, then i've got time...
Anyway in the meantime, I'll be having fun, living it up, and getting my life put back together like it should of been two years ago, but I'm back! Its great to finally be back...
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